I tend to buy Glamour magazines when I’m having a boring lazy day. It’s those days when I want my brain to stay pretty numb, when I want to drink my machiatto in private, when I don’t really feel like venturing out in public. It’s my little guilty pleasure of sex articles and fashion photos.
Here I am curled up on the couch in my undies, my Starbucks next to me, the magazine thrown across the room as an “aha moment” sent me reeling in pure panic. I’m uncomfortable, I’m shaken, and I’m slightly awaken.
It’s this cartoon; this short little cartoonish article about a woman who had Daddy issues and how those issues have played out in each of her relationships. The story, the cartoon, and its captions are the story of my life.
All girls have Daddy issues, all girls. Some are more complicated than others. Some are just that no other guy can possibly compare to their amazing father. So, they end up searching endlessly for the most perfect guy and usually end up with that perfect guy. Some girls aren’t lucky enough to have that issue, they have my issue…
My Daddy issues, along with Laurie Sandies (from the Glamour issue), stems from a father who would briefly come into my life and exit just as quickly. He would be my buddy one day and the next he would just sort of disappear or find a reason to be angry with me and then subsequently stop speaking to me. When he was my amazing father, I was treated like the tom-boy daughter I had always wanted to be: fishing trips, manual transmission driving lessons, horseback riding, operating the tractor on the farm, kayaking, hiking to see old Indian burial grounds. When my Dad suddenly decided that I did something wrong, or if I made him angry, he would just sort of vanish and it would often be months, and in one case over a year, before I was spoken to again. This began my definition of what love is, a person who comes in and loves you for a brief time and then vanishes.
What kind of complicated mess does this create? For starters, I never get close, which sounds very cliché, but it’s true. I’ve been told, by the ex that crushed by soul, that I’m resistant, and hence I create resistance. So I try to solve that problem by pretending a guy is just my buddy or friend. If I do this, I am awesome. I will chat you up, I will joke around, I will be fun, I will throw down shots of Jameson all while calling you a big huge asshole, I will give you shit and let you shove it right back, I will make you feel like you are the most amazing guy in the world and any girl would be lucky to have you, it just won’t be me. The very second you tell me you like me or you want to kiss me… that fun loving naturally cool girl disappears, just like my Dad.
The big Dad issues also keep the really really good guys at bay, the ones that are so good it makes you sick. It’s the one guy (usually my male bff) who I picture myself living with. It’s guy that I want to be in love with. I’m afraid, however, that I will end up hurting them. So with this guy, I keep him in my life and I do all the great girlfriendy things, but just never commit to him. I realize that the second this happens, I will run so far you will only see the dust and the mess I’ve left behind.
It also keeps me from being myself. I have learned that guys think I’m the extra cool fun girl, but the second we start dating or become intimate, I change. It’s drastic and I become very not myself. This is where the Daddy issue nearly destroys me. This is the take down method created by my unknowing Father, who didn’t ever really want to be a Dad. This is where he created this girl who fears that anything she says will create hostility and the person will leave. So I pull back, and if it’s as if a muzzle is clamped across my face. I’m no longer witty, cute or sarcastic. I no longer have a voice. I no longer have a personality and that just plain sucks.
And for the biggest way that this plays out in my life, I end up choosing the most unavailable guy to be attracted to and fall for. They don’t want anything from me. They don’t want a commitment, and this I find very relieving because neither do I. This is the guy that I choose to chase over and over again because I can never really have them and they can never really fully have me. It’s safe, it’s secure, it’s so unstable and it’s something that I no longer want.
This stupid article left me in tears on the couch this morning with my dog looking at me like I’m out of my freaking mind. It’s a pivotal time. Weeks ago, I suddenly announced that it’s time I get serious about getting serious. It’s just a statement, and I don’t even know if I really mean it. The universe responded with, “alrighty, I throw one of your guy friends your way and we’ll see how this plays out. You’re his buddy, you’ve always been yourself around him, you are attracted to him and he is oh so attracted to you. Now I’ll just sit back and watch you destroy this one, just like you always manage to do.” Awww fuck and so I do.
The great thing about “aha moments” is that somehow the universe puts you back on track; usually. I hope it moves quickly.