I had the best day today.

I woke up, got a text from my friend about the html book I've been bugging him about. He had it and was willing to do a trade at the corner of Chicago and Milwaukee. My job: to ride the bus.

I've never actually ridden the bus by myself. There are things that I feel that I am too good for: A job in service. Sometimes, my apartment. Sitting down at fast food restaurants. Shopping for clothes at Wal-Mart. AND... taking mass transit.  Call me a princess or whatever, but I don't care.

I didn't take the bus to Chicago and Milwaukee. Instead, I walked. I walked the entire way from Humboldt Park to Chicago & Milwaukee. It took me 45 minutes.

It was a freaking gorgeous day. I put on my sun dress, flip flops, and headphones and just walked. It was awesome.

My buddy and I had some afternoon drinks. Both unemployed. Both taking online classes at Iowa State next semester. We talked a little about life. His girlfriend is moving in with him after dating a year. I talked about my desperate search for employment, to which he replied.... enjoy it, it's summer, quit fucking whining about it. Touche.

We nerded out at the apple store downtown. I played with the new ipad. (Not impressed.)

AND....

I took the bus home! All by myself. It wasn't that bad, but it made me realize.... I want a new car. But I feel like a full fledged Chicagoan now. I am a girl living in the city sans car! I have to walk to get groceries now!!!!! Yeah!

I told Ryan he should write a "how to enjoy unemployment" book (being unemployed for almost a year). Here are some of our thoughts....

1. Take naps and take them often.
2. Day drink.
3. Make friends with others who are also unemployed.
4. Enjoy your unemployment checks.
5. Go to the beach.
6. Don't watch tv.
7. Go shopping.
8. Don't whine about being unemployed.
9. IT'S SUMMER!!! ENJOY IT!
10. Stay out late and sleep in.

It's always amazing how life works.

Things change so quickly. I think about my girlfriend, Kelly, who casually signs on to a dating website for kicks. Sh meets someone online that same day, they have one date, get engaged a few months later, and are married within a year. It's strange how fast life happens.

Life is just like that. You just never know what is in store. Just one change in your day can completely alter your life.

I'm waiting for that moment. I counted up the resumes that I sent and stopped after I got to a hundred. It's frustrating and feels like someone sucker punched me in the chest.

And for the first time in so long I had a mini breakdown the other night. An accumulation of confusion.

I had been withholding this secret and it has been torture. So I'll let the blog world of unfamiliars in on it. I just need to get it out...

I had gotten a job offer in Des Moines last week. It doesn't matter what it was for. It doesn't matter that my buddy offered me his large three bedroom house with a back yard to rent. It doesn't even matter how much money I was offered. All that matters is the timing. The timing is unreal.

So there it is blogger world. Whatever "God" my family and friends have been praying to (they admit this) has more power over my mine. I'm not ready to give in quite yet. Although I have a small garden apartment (I've always had a house prior), no job, no car, no real girlfriends yet, I'm still not ready. I'm stubborn. I have a lot of fight.

This was kind of my dream. (Although the high rise I used to imagine myself living in, as a little girl, over looked the ocean and not a lake.) I am always thinking that there is something bigger out there. Not something to make me happy (because only you can do that), but something beyond the small Iowa towns I have lived in. Give me culture. Provide me with learning experiences. Send me opportunities.

Do I sacrifice a "safe" life in Iowa for the unfamiliar in Chicago?

I choose the unfamiliar. It's so much more exciting.

I've become a night owl. I never wanted to be a night person.

I loved the mornings. I loved the sunlight, creeping in through my windows.

I hate the mornings. I hate the way the sun breaks through to reveal the corners I haven't dusted or the dirt I haven't mopped up. I hate how it reveals everything.

The nights, drenched in darkness, never insinuates anything. It is what it is. It cloaks my walls with a grey shadow. It hides those imperfections. It envelopes and disguises space.

It hides me.

I traded in the office for a coffee shop, for a park, for a couch, for a floor.  I want this. I want my fingers to be placed on this keypad always. I want the words to string out and group together. I want this.

I want a penny for every letter, and a dollar for every word, a diamond for a litany of stories that you haven't already heard.

I can't have this.