I can't wallow for too long. I can't sit in self pity. I can't enjoy a state of depression. I try. I attempt to try, but it never works. Two Tylenol, a few cigarettes and a good non-chick flick movie (Transformers), and some notebook writing and I am back in business.

My girl and I spent last Monday at the beach. I look back now and think I am so glad I got to enjoy myself before my axing. We had a little picnic of food, I bought my favorite magazine (which I only briefly glanced through), I drew pictures in the sand, I people watched, I bought an obnoxious amount of appetizers after the beach outing, and had a few drinks that night. It was one of the best days I had ever had.

That day my bff and I watched couples make out on the sand.  The beach, the water, the sun makes couples throw their inhibitions to the wind. It was like watching soft core porn at moments. A mix of love, bare skin, and alcohol that would make my Grandmother blush.

We move on to catching a drink at our favorite hipster bar and we see the down side of couples that weren't so in love...

I have this curiosity about why couples fight. It's a borderline obsession, I'm always wondering and always asking people... what the fuck do they have to fight about? My bestie and I watch this couple, bellied up to the bar, arguing. Her hands are thrown in the air. He looks fearful. Then she walks off in disgust. He didn't agree with what she was saying.

It's apparently obvious. It's control, I come to the conclusion. It's always about control and power. It's about the ego wanting something you think the other person should give you, the little you. The control and power can be reduced down to fear. That fear can be reduced down to not wanting to get hurt. People want to control the actions of the other person, or their reactions, so in the end they don't have to get hurt. This doesn't just happen in intimate relationships, it expands over almost every situational relationship.

Once you realize you have no control over another person and/or situations, you have a terrific sense of relief. Things that people do, have a minor effect on your life. If I could have only told my early 20 year old self that.

I often revert to Joko Beck's idea about "the promise that has not been kept". We tend to create illusions about how something is going to be, whether it's our job (that's me!), a new home, a new friendship, a new relationship and from those ideals we create a promise to ourselves. Those promises tend to be this situation and or this person is going to make me happy and when it doesn't we begin our search again onto a new life that will fulfill that promise. So we keep searching and searching and searching only to find that "life is a promise that is never kept", desires are never fulfilled completely.

These words have brilliantly altered my life. Life is a series of endless disappointments and it is so wonderful because it never gives us exactly what we wanted or asked for, we never know what is around the corner. How awesome is that? Once you let go of this idea of trying to control what is going to happen, there is an enourmous sense of peace.

I lost my job yesterday. I was told it was coming, but not until July. Plenty of time I had assumed to find a new one. It came earlier and without warning. What I had been preparing myself for a year ago, came when I had wore an adorable new dress and a purple pair of pumps. It was a good day I had presumed.

Shocking news makes me crawl into a cave and hibernate. I have the initial reaction where I tell those closest to me, only the people I love, and then I get mad and completely shut down. I avoid phone calls and people in general.

I spent yesterday morning in a little coffee shop trying to send out resumes. After ten resumes sent, I became frustrated. There were two dudes sitting next to me, trying to write a screen play. They debated this one scene for over an hour. Their voices growing louder. I wanted to reach over the table and hit them, just beat the crap out of them. I just wanted to take out all this pent up emotion and punch them in their junk. I wanted to take my coffee and pour it over their little trivial movie about something presumably stupid.

So, before I made a mess out of the rest of my day, I walked home. I did what my body told me to do. I went to sleep. I knew the next day I would awake with a clearer head and less, "I hate the world" emotions. I'm not the victim here.

I woke up this morning at my usual work wake up time, around 7.  I had a very zen moment. This is life. This is how it goes. It's the ups and downs that you can't avoid. This is my story. So often, one bad thing often leads to something better. Sometimes something really bad has to happen for something really good to happen. The things in my life that I never thought I would recover from brought even better things in. That gives me an unexpected sense of relief.

I have an apartment to call my own. I have friends who I positively adore, friends to die for. I have this guy who makes me laugh and who I think is absolutely incredible.  I have three besties who are amazing. I have a fantastic Mom. I live in Chicago. I live in Chicago. I live in Chicago.

I have too much happiness in my life right now to feel hopeless. I hope karma gets me back.

I walk home in the rain. I let the water glide down my arms and slide through the tips of my fingers. All the muscles that surround my bones begin to ache, they have begun to cry. The thunder, the destruction of the sky enlivens the little pieces and fragments throughout my cells, it's the chaos of the night.

Every inch of every step brings about a new thought and I begin reciting Whitman's Song of Myself under my breath while keeping pace, "...for every atom that belongs to me as good belongs to you".  I wonder where my brain would decide to go if I left it here in this puddle of water, or if I stopped thinking in terms of tomorrow or the next day, or the next day. What is now has irrelevance to the mystique of tomorrow.

I lie back in my bed, the tart taste of wine still clinging to my pallet, still resting on my breath and I become captivated by the paint that has started to peel off from the ceiling. It's a deterrent, I realize, something to sway me against the ramblings that move in waves through my mind, or the swift motions of the rise and fall of my chest. The whispers of today feel like lead upon my chest.

And these hands, too entirely soft and small, too entirely delicate to be placed anywhere else. Instead, they reach in vain for the coldness of the stones above my head, to feel the antithesis of their own flesh to feel less empty. They'll take anything, anything imperfect, anything less than they are. They are selfish, these little hands, wanting too much and sacrificing too little.

I fall in and out of sleep. The night does me an injustice, waking up the dead with its ceaseless cracks of thunder, making zombies of us all. I slip in and out of a restless dream where you are running, an American soldier, followed by a large group of Nazi soldiers. You slip into a ravine and become covered with rocks and dirt. You become unconscious, saving your own life as they step around you. You are unseen, unnoticed. They cannot decipher the earth from your body. I clear away the debris, wash it clean from your face with my white small hands. How easily the soil moves away from your pale skin. How easily you awake. You lift yourself out of the brush, a WWII soldier with uniform in tact, how easily you become clean, how easily you awake.

I ordered "The Kind Diet" the other day, I should be getting in the mail today. I'm so excited....

I got the photos back from my photoshoot, done by my neighbor and friend. My friend, Ryan who is a graphic designer and in need of photographers, was so impressed by the shoot that he hired my young neighbor to do some work. I got a nice little thank you yesterday and the promise of a pumpkin pie from my little neighbor.... I'll take it.

I have much of the day off today. I enjoyed some time at a coffee shop and did a little reading (new books, yeah!). I came home, stared out the window at the next door neighbor's private (and fenced in) massive yard with an indoor pool. A flower garden is nestled up right next to my window and I find myself longing for an outdoor oasis.

I've designed my cottage, my future home at least a hundred times on paper and even outlined it in AutoCAD. I pulled ideas from a book I got as a birthday present a few years ago on green design. The homes are designed by architectural greats, they are masterpieces, all with distinct and unique features.



I've imagined it to be somewhere in Wisconsin, although I've never been there. A home surrounded by plant life of every kind, tucked in a private and secluded area amongst massive trees. I like houses where you can't tell where nature ends and the house begins, I like the idea of natural elements brought into the home. Frank Lloyd Wright used this same idea to create Fallingwater, his masterpiece, where he built a cantilever over the edge of a cliff. Pure genius.

I like the idea of a home being open and not cut off from the environment. Large open spaces, tons of windows, concrete or earthen structures, wood interiors with a subtle mix of stone work. Something like this...

Back in the early 2000's I listened to Mancow every day from his syndicated radio station based here in Chicago. I blame and praise him for my liberal viewpoints, although he tended to encompass all realms of the political spectrum.

A couple of things that really stuck in my head was his views on cancer foundations and the money that they make. Think about all the high priced pink items you buy. It's a money making business, he challenged us to think if they are really out there to cure cancer or to make a profit.

He also informed "me" that political leaders are intelligent, in fact more intelligent than the general public. It's how they got into power. It's what they do with that power that makes them look dumb.

His sexist remarks would challenge my brain to think about my own fundamental rights as a woman. In many aspects this radio host really altered my perspective on life.



Aside from all the political talk and daily antics, Mr. Muller had a spiritual side. He turned me onto Joseph Campbell, the great mythologist. Campbell also studied religion as being a great myth. His opinion was that religion was not to be taken literally or factually but instead to be used as a guide to life, simple stories on what is right or what is wrong. All religions have this sort of communal basis in their belief system, an agreement, it's the story of the hero whether it be Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha or Moses.

But that's not to say that Campbell himself was not spiritual, in fact, he believed that there was some unknown force that guides us. He prophetically believed that we should "follow our bliss" and once we do that "doors will open where we thought no door existed".

That statement always moved me. When I think about the people who just do what they love to do, the world just seems to shift and well, doors open for them. Campbell, himself, loved to study Native American folklore as a young boy. This love bridged into his adulthood and expanded to other cultures and religions. He was able to make a livelihood out of it.

I ask myself the big question, how would my life change if I just did what I loved to do? What doors that seemed to be dead bolted shut right now open up? How would my life expand?

How would your life change, if you just did what you were passionate about?

My Mom sold the entire contents of my storage unit from back home. It's official, her dream of me moving back is over, so very dead.

I had quite a few items that I bought at antique sales over the past ten years. My old kitchen was decorated in 50's garb, items i had collected. Gone. I had an old radio cabinet from the 30's or early 40's. I used it as a tv stand. It was beautiful. She sold it for $4. Ask me how much I paid for it? I dare you.

She also sold my vintage dining room table and chairs. I loved that set. It was beautiful. I'm sad to part with it, along with my other things. But this is a new life with a new start, I should have new Chicago things, right? Yes.

She was nice enough to keep a few items.... boxes upon boxes of books. I could not part with them. I begged her not to let them go. My loves. I have an obsession and it is with books, my vice. I love books. I love to covet them. I love the feeling of having them in between my hands. I love the words. I love the smell of the pages. I have an addiction.

I could never own a Kindle. There is nothing like having a book. I like to ear mark pages. I like to make notes in the margins. I like the look of a good worn out and overly read book. I like the way they look on a shelf.  I have a problem...

My God, it is gorgeous outside. I love it when the weather tip toes past spring and enters full board into summer. I'm so excited for my girlfriends to come this month. E in two weeks and Kel in a few. Warm weather visits from my girls are always entertaining... I predict dresses, heels, drinks and dancing. I luvers them.

I'm so excited for life right now...

I've been cooking a lot lately. Several years ago I bought a cook book written by Rachel Ray. I have never used it, as I have been eating mostly vegan lately. I skimmed through it the other day and found tons of side dishes that were plant based as well as recipes where I could omit the meat. The meals are so severely cheap too. I've been spending my Tuesdays at Stanley's buying a week or two worth of produce and making some really delicious meals.

I've also figured out a way to make veggies on the verge into a dish. These are vegetables that look like they are close to expiring, close to their demise. Before I let them go bad (I absolutely hate food waste), I pretty much throw in everything that is close to going bad into a pasta dish with a little red wine vinegar and some olive oil. So good!

Ah, I've mostly cut out caffeine out of my diet, except on my naughty weekends. I even stopped drinking green tea. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now. I'm sure I will pick up the habit again, nothing feels better than coffee in the morning. I felt as if I was becoming too reliant on it for my energy source.

I have a new weekly blog that I'm into called The Kind Life, by Alicia Silverstone.  I was doing my morning Oprah show watching routine and caught her on the episode. She talked about flirting with the idea of becoming vegan, asking herself the big "What if" questions.  The always gorgeous Alicia has become a source of inspiration. You should visit her site.

My Weekly Randoms:

One of the tenants in my building needed a stand in last week for a photo session. I was chosen and made it clear that in no way was I photogenic. I worked it out though. I had such a good time doing it, and the photos turned out really great. I had a hard time being cheesy, but the more serious ones turned out to be the best. They looked as if I were a nun seeking salvation. There was a light that subtly hit my forehead and eyes, but the rest of my face was cast in darkness. It was brilliantly good, but my friend will not let me have them, even after an argument ensued. They are for the blog only, and not for facebook apparently. I will post a link to the blog with the pictures, once they are up.

I've been in Mad Men heaven lately. I am finally getting caught up on Season 2. I love this show. I double majored in Women's Studies and English in college and could imagine an entire class being developed based around this show. The discussions would be profound. I love the strong female characters in the show. I love how it takes on the sexism, during a time period when women's lib was just emerging just coming into light. Such a great effing show.