My girl and I spent last Monday at the beach. I look back now and think I am so glad I got to enjoy myself before my axing. We had a little picnic of food, I bought my favorite magazine (which I only briefly glanced through), I drew pictures in the sand, I people watched, I bought an obnoxious amount of appetizers after the beach outing, and had a few drinks that night. It was one of the best days I had ever had.
That day my bff and I watched couples make out on the sand. The beach, the water, the sun makes couples throw their inhibitions to the wind. It was like watching soft core porn at moments. A mix of love, bare skin, and alcohol that would make my Grandmother blush.
We move on to catching a drink at our favorite hipster bar and we see the down side of couples that weren't so in love...
I have this curiosity about why couples fight. It's a borderline obsession, I'm always wondering and always asking people... what the fuck do they have to fight about? My bestie and I watch this couple, bellied up to the bar, arguing. Her hands are thrown in the air. He looks fearful. Then she walks off in disgust. He didn't agree with what she was saying.
It's apparently obvious. It's control, I come to the conclusion. It's always about control and power. It's about the ego wanting something you think the other person should give you, the little you. The control and power can be reduced down to fear. That fear can be reduced down to not wanting to get hurt. People want to control the actions of the other person, or their reactions, so in the end they don't have to get hurt. This doesn't just happen in intimate relationships, it expands over almost every situational relationship.
Once you realize you have no control over another person and/or situations, you have a terrific sense of relief. Things that people do, have a minor effect on your life. If I could have only told my early 20 year old self that.
I often revert to Joko Beck's idea about "the promise that has not been kept". We tend to create illusions about how something is going to be, whether it's our job (that's me!), a new home, a new friendship, a new relationship and from those ideals we create a promise to ourselves. Those promises tend to be this situation and or this person is going to make me happy and when it doesn't we begin our search again onto a new life that will fulfill that promise. So we keep searching and searching and searching only to find that "life is a promise that is never kept", desires are never fulfilled completely.
These words have brilliantly altered my life. Life is a series of endless disappointments and it is so wonderful because it never gives us exactly what we wanted or asked for, we never know what is around the corner. How awesome is that? Once you let go of this idea of trying to control what is going to happen, there is an enourmous sense of peace.