I'm crossing blog posts here... Hippie blog meet Chicago blog, vice versa.

Hey guys, I've gained some weight in the last two months. In fact, I went to put on my work pants today and could barely get them buttoned. In no way, shape, or form am I saying that I am overweight, but I'm just saying I don't want to go out and buy new clothes.

I was looking back on photos of when I first moved here. My face was less swollen, my eyes were white and clear, and my hair looked like silk. I discovered, however, that Chicago is full of delicious food. Food that my time in Iowa did not provide. Sure you can get cheeseburgers there, but they often did not come with a fried egg on top, with thick apple smoked bacon and Gouda cheese. Nor could I find a popcorn appetizer that was cooked in bacon grease and then topped with those crispy little pig fat bits. And the beer, good god, the selection of beer is extensive, beautiful and often tastes of flowers.  This, my friends, is why I cannot seem to get back to the way I looked pre-Chicago. Vegetarianism is nothing but a pipe dream lately.

Eating this way has become nothing but a simple addiction. At one time I avoided sugar, but now have to have a chocolate bar for breakfast (no joke). Starbucks is conveniently located in my building, so trips for my favorite latte have become frequent and needed for that quick fix.

Like many things that have begun to change in my life lately, (old habits I have kindly asked to stop) I would like this to be one of the pillars that support who I am.

Michael Anderson, the creator of the documentary, Eating, says "the American eating habit is suicidal". I have recently become part of that culture. My routine trips to the produce market, have been cut short by routine trips to Whole Foods to pick up Mac N Cheese or cookies. Somehow I justify a food substance that does not have preservatives, but is layered in sugar, the caloric equivalent of a rock.

The simple thing about this is, I know better. It blows my mind that our modern day diseases and ailments were unrecognizable by the medical community 100 years ago. It blows my mind that we are teaching our children the same patterns. It blows my mind that children are getting diabetes from what they eat at a very young age. Ugh, our country has been blowing my mind for years now and I have to ask, when are we going to evolve already?

When am I going to stick with my evolution? Alicia Silverstone, an idol of mine (although I don't totally agree with the vegan lifestyle), says that we should flirt with the idea. Flirting often gets me discouraged as I yearn for perfectionism. I give up too early in the game. One day of back sliding results in four weeks of binging on sugar treats and meat products.

I've learned lately, after some real talk with myself on the train, that I should not be so hard on myself. I've been much too self critical lately and need to let go of that. Perfectionism does not exist. Back tracking and finding yourself again is motion of life and I also return to center, eventually.

So, I sit here with a cup of this orange tea concoction that I got from the cafe down the street and decide to eat a handful of Milk & Honey's granola. It's small changes and no matter how many times I falter, I can pick up right where I left off. Something small is better then nothing at all.

Ah, so I've been writing in my other blog so much that I forgot about this one, apparently.

I had this moment today, inside my head. I was thinking about my first week in Chicago. I was at a bar with my bestie. We were having drinks and celebrating my new life in the city. The guy next to me decided to chat me up. He had lived in Chicago for nearly 10 years. He was a displaced Tennessean who found himself in a city that was too big and too angry for his liking. He had made the decision to move back home and was, himself, celebrating his last day in Chicago.

I remember he was confused by how utterly "sweet" I was. He would ask my bff if I was for real, or if that was an act. It wasn't. I was sweet to a fault and once he understood that I was genuine, he imparted these words of advice... "don't let this city change you".

I think it was only a week later, that the extreme amount of empathy and sympathy I carried, was quickly drained out of me by the cruelness of the city. I stood in line at the coffee shop and tried ordering some confusing coffee concoction for my girlfriend, to which I had gotten incorrect. While I was flustered, the annoyed Barista made it known to the entire impatient crowd of patrons that I'm a moron. I came back to the car with a regular coffee and tears that drenched my face and my little soft hearted soul developed it's first callous. My bestie replied, "you'll get used to it."

It took me a year to get used to it. People were cruel and I developed one solid festering callous after another. I had an epiphany that I was no longer the super sweet girl that my ex used to cater to after I found myself yelling at a cabbie for treating me like I was a tourist who didn't know the difference between Wacker and Western.

I have become a product of my surroundings, much less congenial and much more cynical.

It’s been awhile, I know. I’m writing school papers.

I woke up this morning and thought about my 26 year old self. I’m in college. I’m sitting in my house. I’m studying. I’m trying to get out of a relationship. Every morning there’s a large snake that comes out from underneath the house and suns itself on the back stairs when I take the dog for a walk. I’m listening to Jack’s Mannequin, Yellowcard, and Motion City Soundtrack on my computer. I’m scribbling notes on a piece of paper.

Fast forward to 2010. I’m in college. I’m at work. I’m in Chicago. I’m looking out over Lake Michigan from my desk. I have an incredible man in my life. I am surrounded by brilliant people whom I adore. I’m meeting and engaging with the bands and people I obsessed over four years ago. I’m writing things that are meant for something bigger than scratch pieces of paper.

Not a day goes by that I don’t feel incredibly grateful for how my life is turning out.