The great blizzard of Chicago has fallen upon us and buried me into my subterrestrial home of warmth and comfort. I feel like Mole, in Wind in the Willows, anxious to come outside and discover what the sky has brought to me. For now, however, I let the fire light this shadowy room as I sit cozily on my couch, tucked underneath this blanket and read stories to keep my mind energized.
I’m attempting to read, and then write a few words. Get inspired by a string of sentences that another author can formulate. It’s like a series of math equations or an eloquent sequence of musical notes that fit precisely together. I’m trying to refine my craft into something bigger than myself.
But I’m distracted by the smell of this magazine that keeps me fumbling through pages to find the inserted sample of cologne. It waivers my attention away from these genuine words I type out in a silly chain. It smells like him. Anything with a lingering musty smell reminds me of his skin. It reminds of me the day we spent at Macy’s picking out the perfect scent, but nearly every form of emanation inserted into the corner of his neck and shoulder blade seems well deserved.
For now, while he’s away in his own home, unburying himself out of the ravages this weather has brought to us, I write. What I came here to write about is my next step, which is movement. A word that was imparted upon me last week by an advisor. Part of moving forward sometimes means replacing the old with the new.
I have used this blog as an outlet for my transition to Chicago, but it has never been about me and has never been about my words. It’s always been about something outside of myself and therefore I have limited attachment to it.
The more deeply I have thought about it, the more inclined I am to rid myself of it and to start anew. No longer do I want to come to this public forum with a sense of fear, but a better understanding of who I am and this deep need to be vulnerable.
A new blog will be carefully planned out and words will be chosen with more precision and less restraint. I have developed a reverence for the associations I have had with this blog, but some of the posts I adore, and some of them have been life altering. I’m not sad to see it go; in fact I’m rather elated.
For those few that have read this, I thank you. I hope you are prepared for something better, something I hope to become more accustomed to, and something that brings me closer to the truth of this all. I want movement and the life that has been intended for me. With the next endeavor, I hope to find all forms there.
Love you all!