If anyone caught my blog yesterday for the four hours that my post was live, you saw one of my first reasonably vulnerable posts. I got drunk, came home, and immediately took it down. You would think the opposite would occur, but it didn’t.
I was so close, so freaking close. Bah!
Nothing I say here will change anything about the situation. I wish I could drive this into my brain a little more.
Mori moved back to Iowa. Part of my blog post was about people moving into your life and moving out of it, specifically my life. I’m not going to tell you how I feel about it, the emotional parts I don’t want to admit to having. People have their own journeys and their own paths. No matter how much you want them to stay, your life will still be ok once they move on. New people emerge. Nothing is stationary. The more you fight it, the more you destroy your own journey. Accepting what is, is really the fastest way to move on. Resistance will only confine you. You can’t hold people hostage, no matter how much you want them to stay and be a part of your life. (I could write an entire zen book dedicated to this subject.)
I will tell you that I’m a little jealous, of her. I love the city, but most of you know, I miss having a garden. I miss having a yard. I miss having a house. I start to wonder if maybe I should have taken that job back in Des Moines. Places don’t make you happy, it’s what you make out of your situation, but I can’t help but wonder.
I also feel like I was part of some sort of waiting game lately. It’s like the universe sent out some kind of grand message that I’m newly single. I haven’t told anyone, just a couple of girlfriends, but no one else really knows. It’s like they can sense it, smell it. I haven’t even really written about it until now.
I’m in such a transitory state, but I’m excited about it. You just never know when something is going to happen, or what is going to happen, and I love that feeling. And maybe that’s why I can’t let myself write anything deeper than this. Maybe it’s because I realize how swiftly feelings pass, how moments pass, maybe the years of trying to practice what I have been preaching has really paid off.
“Life. Don’t take it so seriously, it’s over before you know it.” -via my dead grandfather in a dream.
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