I started another blog and made it anonymous. It has a theme, and it is not devoted to Bloody Mary's. It's a random blog documenting my goals, and seeing how long it takes to reach them. It's not for you. It's for me.
I've neglected this blog and partially because I wanted to and I'm sorry. This determination of finding a job, or trying to discover what it is I'm supposed to be doing has taken control over my life right now. I just want it that bad.
I'm forgetting the "now". I'm wasting away in the future, and this always tends to put a person on edge. You become consumed with what lies ahead, or what life was like months ago, and you forget that life is just occurring right now. I've been doing that and it's not making things pleasant. In the past I have had the patience of a five year old, something I have gradually been able to manage, something that in the last month that has begun to fall by the waste side. So, I let myself slip into the future, and then want everything to just magically happen in the next fifteen minutes.
In discussing "signs" recently, I know that there is no such thing. People use the phrase, "I'm just waiting for a sign" as an excuse to put their life on hold. They wait around hoping that something is going to tell them how to live their lives so that effort doesn't need to be put forth. I found, recently, that I'm doing that, and it's a new phenomenon. I'm waiting for someone to send me some kind of sign, tell me my direction, tell me what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm putting too much pressure on myself.
Life is not about finding the perfect occupation, it's about being. I have completely lost sight of that. In this process, I have transferred thoughts onto things that are non-related. I forget that what you do to earn money is not who you are. I just want to love what I do.
Completely random side note: You know what I love? I spent the entire day yesterday putting together three resumes. I loved doing that. I loved taking something and trying to make it better. I love preparing for things. I love organizing things. I love prep work. I love designing and creating things, if only I had a more artistic eye. I love short term projects. Is there a job for this? If so, let me know...
Ah, I feel like I've stepped into the magical world of drama. I feel like I've taken too many things too seriously. I'm chuckling to myself as whoever it is, underlying this ego, is saying, "Jesus Christ, get over it already". I also think, remember when you were like funny? I haven't been funny lately. I just really miss doing yoga, in my underwear.
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