I like the word. It's a simple word. I had never thought that I would. Something had scared me about it for so long, for the first 10 months we were together. Maybe because what I felt for him was nearly indescribable and scary. Or maybe it was because every relationship I have witnessed growing up has been consumed with control, pain, mistrust, and abuse. I still associate commitment with those feelings. I had assumed that once a relationship was formally established with us, that instantly everything would change and that's when the bad things would begin.
I'm trying hard to let go of those feelings for one of the first times in my life. I realize that only you can control what comes into your life and what you allow. Being in a relationship isn't about taking things away from the person you love and intentionally hurting someone. Maybe what I have been taught growing up stops here with me.
While I never believe that someone else can make you happy, but that it is your job to fulfill your own needs, I am infinitely happier with him in my life again. I have been walking around for the last two months wondering where the intelligence in Chicago was hiding, where all the wit had gone, or people with any real talent, and if I'd ever feel as connected to anyone as I did with him. I'm so content right now. I feel like there are so many good things just coming back into my life.
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About a year ago I was turned on to this Chicago fashion blog that will go unnamed. I was obsessed with this blog, I thought it was brilliant. It was composed of street photos of well dressed Chicagoans, and even sometimes Des Moinesians. I had found out who the creator of this blog was and had this image of her for so long: driven, ambitious, self-respecting, confident, secure, creative, classy, cool. The kind of women I admire, the kind of woman I want to be.
I met her in person last night for the first time. She was nothing I hoped she would be, in fact she was the complete opposite of everything I wanted her to be. I found myself disliking her with such a disdain, that I could hardly tolerate her company. She wasn't rude to me, she didn't talk to me, and maybe she could sense my energy I put out. I was so disappointed in her behavior, and I saw her talent being wasted with such disregard because of the way she was acting and the way she represented herself, and I think that's why I couldn't be near her. I'm not a woman hater, but I get so annoyed when girls give women a bad reputation.
I hate watching talented women looking stupid by throwing themselves at men, talking about who they've had sex with, making dramatic scenes, hitting on other people's significant others, getting loud and obnoxiously drunk; and I hate how I hate my own kind for acting this way. I get so disappointed in women sometimes.
So I'm out?